Dear 2am Thursday,

I’m in the living room. I close my eyes (a dangerous decision considering the current state of my make shift Being Me Ambassador assembly factory) and shut off the light. I make a quick movement away from the stable wall (sliding a little on a piece of paper lying helplessly on the slick floor). After I gain my balance, I decide to spin in place a couple of times to disorient myself. Pat. Pat. Pat. My feet sing as I turn round and round. I stop. Open my eyes. I can’t see a thing. I’m a little dizzy and a little wishing I didn’t have that second bowl of rigatoni.

One second- two seconds….all is ok….three seconds…four…wait. What was that? Did I hear something? Oh, wow. It’s the wind. I didn’t realize how windy it was outside. I hope that tree doesn’t fall on my face.

Thirteen seconds…fourteen seconds. I can hear silence. That creeps me out a bit. I get the urge to hum (not surprising considering how many times I listened to la La Land today), but I resist. Stand in the darkness, I order myself. Like a statue in a park on a moonless night. I shiver.

My mind wonders. I’m  thinking about tomorrow’s coaching call. Will I be able to help this new person? What if I forget everything I know? Am I a fraud? Maybe I should cancel? No, no, I soothe myself, I know I can help her. At least I want to try. I wish I would have picked up Kerynie for mom today. I didn’t know Momma was that tired. I hope she’s ok. Why was she so tired? I’m glad I text her before bed. I hate texting. I should have called. I need to be a better daughter. We should watch more old movies together. Isn’t that why I moved home from the big city in the first place?

Don’t move, I remind myself. I almost want to step away from the borage of thoughts. They hit me one after the other. Each a little harder than the next. Here’s what you missed today. Today. Today. Again, today. Don’t you think I forgot about what you didn’t do yesterday. This one’s from last week. And this one. And last month. Bad you. Bad you. This one’s from second grade lunch line…oh my ho-hoes, am I really thinking about that? That was a lifetime ago. What is wrong with you, Victoria?!

And then, BAM! A magical thing happens! I caught it. Oh, my goodness.

I’m standing here. In the wee hours of the morning. In complete darkness. You could mistake me for one of my mannequins. And I’m replaying all the parts of the movie, as the director, I would cut instead of creating or fantasizing or celebrating the stuff I would keep. How silly?

I’m giddy that I caught myself. Wow. Our minds are so powerful. I love it. I love my mind. So thankful I caught myself doing this. This might help others. To realize you can slow down the car when it is speeding in the wrong direction. All you have to do is recognize you put in the wrong coordinates and then gently take your foot off the gas. Slow down a minute. Yeah. That’s all I have to do. Slow the thoughts down.

Slow. And easy. Like a Sunday drive. Oh, remember going for rides with mom and dad? Sally would say, “left.” Then it would be my turn, and I would pick “right.”  Dad would follow our directions as he belted out with John and Paul using the middle seatbelt as his microphone. I wonder if this is why I love riding and driving in cars so much? I love sitting in cars too. I always sit in the car when I get home for tens of minutes before I get out of the car. I love it. So peaceful. Feels so good. It feels so good to breathe. Ahhhhhhhhhhh. So thankful.

Oh, wow. I can see. It’s been a minute and my eyes are adjusting. I can actually see. In the dark.

And I walk towards my room. Deciding to trust that even though I am in the darkness, now that my mind and heart are in a good space, I’m going to be ok.  I may stumble on my way to the door. Forget that chair was moved there hours ago, bump it with my elbow, but I will make my way to where I want to go.

Because in darkness, I can still feel the light. As long as I don’t cover myself in more darkness.

With sight,

3am Thursday